Burn Tumblr!

Dear sextank.tumblr.com,

Hello. How are you? I hope you are well. I can’t help but notice you are now following me. I always enjoy any new followers, and I make a note to investigate any blog that clicks like on my posts, or follows me. However, you are of a particular breed. You post porn. Hardcore porn. This is fine, in and of itself. I have at least one follower (I’m lookin’ at you, mentaltransgressions.tumblr.com ), who posts porn. But you are unique, and special, like a snowflake. For one, you don’t appear to be a person who has a blog who happens to post porn. You appear to be a porn _repository_. You could be my one stop porn source. This is okay. There are a few blogs who follow me who are not personal blogs. One I can recall is “cute cupcakes”. There was another that was just three hundred dollar shoes, but I think they stopped blogging, because oh my god, those shoes were three hundred fucking dollars. Yours is a particularly curious case because you post STRAIGHT porn. This is, as I say, curious. I have never publicly expressed an interest in straight porn, because I am super gay. Like, Alex Trebek gay. The last time I expressed an interest in straight porn, I was in sixth grade, watching a CD-R of Debbie Does Dallas with male friends, and I was WAY more into the dick than into the awkward, bouncing breasts. Who needs breasts? That’s just like, five more inches of space between you and them. Gross.  Anyway, sextank, I appreciate your patronage, but you must know I will not be folllowing you back, because I have no interests in A) Roast Beef Curtains, B) Axe Wounds, or C) Wizards’ Sleeves.

Yours in Tumbling,

Burn.

I’m fuckin’ hungry, maybe I should go into finagle a bagel. I want a cream cheese and bacon on a toasted bagel. I wish there was an espresso royale around here, they made those pretty well. But they never toasted it enough, and then they compensated by overcream cheesing it. Good thing I overcreamed their moms.

What… What is this? What is all of this? Grilled chicken sandwich? Buffalo bagel? No, you fuckers, I want a god damn bagel I WANT A GOD DAMN PLAIN BAGEL WITH SOME CREAM CHEESE AND THEN SOME BACON jesus h christ I cannot make heads or tails of this shit do you at least have like a make your own bagel section NO THEN FUCK YOU TOO THEN

Fine, I’ll just get a scone, because they look fucking dry and flavorless, and that’s what I’m fucking in the mood for, isn’t it, Finagle a bagel EVEN YOUR NAME IS DUMB God this bitch in front of me could not take longer you do not need special bagel care your bagel is just as stupid and tasteless as all the other ones here. Why did the cashier just ask me how I’m doing today in the middle of ringing me up? Just because I was here yesterday does not mean we are friends. I have no desire to establish a relationship with you give me the scone and get the fuck out of my god damn face and WHY DO YOU GUYS SELL SMOKED SALMON IN BAGS BY THE DRINKS WHY WOULD I BUY SMOKED SALMON HERE URGH EVEN YOUR DOOR IS HEAVY AND STUPID

Nerd moment: These fuckers are fuckers. A while ago, my site was hacked. They got my FTP password somehow, and basically messed with my site, rearranging the pages and folder hierarchies, and basically trashing the site. When I called Lunarpages and asked for a backup, they told me I probably had an unsafe script (their FACES are unsafe scripts!) and that a backup would cost $80 bucks, but I had better hurry, ‘cos they only have backups for so long! This was immediately after my friend, using asmallorange.com , had a backup of his site restored for free because he accidentally overwrote a file.

So, yesterday I was messing around with a php back end, and it called for running a program from the command line, which I tried with shell_exec, to no avail. I said, “eh, eff it.” and left it alone for a little. Today, someone messages me that my weather site is down. Apparently Lunarpages has suspended my site; not only my actual website, but FTP access AND ACCESS TO MY BILLING INFORMATION. They gave me no warning, email, or phone call. IF YOU DIDN’T WANT ME RUNNING SHELL COMMANDS YOU SHOULD BE RUNNING SAFE MODE OR SOME SHIT YOU FUCKS LET ME LOG IN AND DOWNLOAD MY VARIOUS WEB PROJECTS AND PICTURES FROM THE SITE SO I CAN LEAVE YOU MOTHERFUCKERS FOREVER

DON’T BE LIKE ME. BACKUP YOUR BITCHES, BITCHES.

I will not let anyone in whose costume name is preceded by “Sexy”.

Design by Robert G. (It's still conceptual. Tumblr introduces strange design issues).

Powered by Tumblr. Thanks for Playing.