Burn Tumblr!

Friends need to stop photoshopping me. (via xavierjones)

The worst moment of my life

Once, when I was a shy freshman, I struck up a facebook/AIM friendship with some future sorostitute....

Me: Paul, I need Jay's Username and Password to Garage Games or I'm going to lick your computer.
Paul: Uhhh....
Me: *sticking out tongue and looming closer to iMac* TH CLOHCK IS THICKIN

How to Avoid a Tiger Attack

If you type this into google, it is time to stop using the internet for a few hours.

I used to have a KX2 Koi. It’s a Kyocera phone. It’s a spinner, as opposed to a slider,...

The worst thing a college student can do

Wake up at four am and begin tallying their total debt among student loans, credit cards, and other...

Thumper: i've wondered about glow in the dark condoms and those vibrating ones
Me: what about them?
Thumper: wondered how they worked, what they added to sex, that sort of thing
Thumper: i used to carry a grape flavored condom with me, but gave that way to some chick in high school
Me: I dunno
Me: I don't think glow in the dark ones would really do much
Me: except a moment's giggling
Me: well, maybe it would do a lot for you with the light sabers and all
Me: you'd be all "YEAH TAKE IT YOU SITH LORD FEEL THAT FORCE INSIDE YOU"
Thumper: NOW I AM THE MASTER BITCH
Thumper: I AM MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE WHORE
Thumper: i could go on like this you know
Me: You should.
Thumper: *insert appropriate star wars quote here* BITCH
Me: Nice formula
Thumper: it totally works
Thumper: YOU'RE GONNA BLOW THIS THING AND GO HOME BITCH

John is Awesome

This is what shoes look like in Germany.

STOP UNFOLLOWING ME

Dicks.

Undermining my Friends (Part XVII)

John: but i've been wanting new [earrings] anyway
John: these ones are too small
Me: Yeh!
Me: let's get some bling!
John: i think my ears have grown
Me: Probably, you got big ol ears
John: whoa dude
John: uncalled for, especially considering your Obamalobes
Me: hey, man, no need to get personal
Me: I'm just saying
Me: as one friend to another
Me: that your ears look really, really heavy
John: I DO NOT HAVE BIG EARS

Aurora: so are you doing anything special today? or just business as usual
Me: for inauguration?
Aurora: yea
Me: First off, I'm mulatto, so my mere existence is special today
Me: second off, I will only be jerking it to interracial scenes

FUCK ME

Frank: i saw your face on logo lol
Me: ?
Me: what?
Frank: paul got interviewed by CBS news on logo and his facebook pics comes up with your face on it
Me: OH GOD DAMMIT

Haven’t posted a picture of myself in a while. so....

I went into my Old Chat Logs and this is...

Me: man
Me: uber-life
Friend: yeah
Friend: uberlife
Friend: one word
Me: there was a dash
Friend: i told you that dash was retarded
Me: I told you your face was retarded
Friend: you have aids
Me: Not yet
Me: but I'm workin' on it

30 Rock, you are my life.

Interviewer: It says here you have an outstanding student loan?
Liz Lemon: Yes! It is OUTSTANDING.

Use Flash to Simulate a Bluescreen and...

I love talking to foreign dudes

Dr. Ike: haha, now we are facebook friends - and you are NOT
Me: nopeeeee
Me: :{
Dr. Ike: now, i can check out his other b/w pics
Dr. Ike: nude pics
Dr. Ike: friends
Dr. Ike: family
Me: I don't think they have nude pics on facebook...
Dr. Ike: really?
Dr. Ike: is there xfacebook?

A work in progress for a class.

Listen

Casey wanted me to post a picture of him so you could see...

“can you PLEASE put a disclaimer on your tumblr that...”
— Fat Casey

My typography teacher right now, according to someone who probably can’t be trusted, is the...

Nothing ruins a man for me more than finding out he uses Internet Explorer.

“Some kid tried 2 say he was guna send me a hospital bill...”
— Never give dudes who work at...

What percentile are YOU in?

How my Brain works, part 45.

Me: What's the opposite of a Vertex in Typography?
Me: Is it a... dertex?
Me: *looks it up*
Me: Oh. It's an Apex.
Me: ...
Me: Boy, dertex was a retarded thing to think, huh?

Things I didn't know I would see before...

A dude sitting on a locker room bench with only a t-shirt on, blow-drying his pubes.

Porn Industry seeks Bailout

My Relationship with Casey

Casey: *stretches*
Me: God, you're fat.
Casey: What?
Me: You're huge!
Casey: Shut up!
Me: I stopped talking a while ago. Now you're just hearing the echoes off your fat rolls.
Casey: You know, I ate one meal a day over vacation because of you.
Me: One meal for how long? Five hours?

Listen

Boston Burritos

fuck you, colin El Pelon > * colinashe: Oh! Ryan, I beg to fucking differ: El Pelon =...

My Fuckin' Monday

430 AM: Finally get to sleep.
730 AM: Wake up, groggy. Work isn't 'til 9... I drift back to sleep.
932 AM: My cell phone awakens me from a pleasant dream about Tina Fey (No doubt induced by my self induced 30 Rock marathon). I ignore it.
933 AM: I remember that my dad was supposed to call me about my outstanding balance with the university. He forgot to pay my tuition from a year or two ago, and he supposedly paid it in fall. Apparently though, the check for FOURTEEN GRAND was returned and my dad never noticed.
940 AM: My dad tells me that someone at the University told him that the balance should have been taken care of by my scholarship. I tell him that is bullshit and he still owes the university money. He says it is out of his hands and I have to resolve the debt by 4 PM Today or they purge my classes. I tell him to be by his phone.
1002 AM: I go to work. A new guy is there. I greet him by giving him two gut height middle fingers.
1215 PM: I head to Student Financial Services. The place is swamped because of the universal deadline. I put my name in and sit down.
1220 PM: A friend walks in. I greet her. I tell her that if I'm not helped soon I am "totally going to go John Q on this fucker".
1245 PM: My friend is called. I am not.
100 PM: The Financial Services people ask if anyone has been waiting a while. The person in front of me says he has been waiting twenty five minutes. I say I have been waiting forty five. They exclaim "what?!" and ask my name. They scour all the sign up sheets chanting my name, going "Robert Gable... Robert Gable? Robert.... Gable... Where is.... Robert."
105 PM: The financial advisor quickly assures me that my scholarship was applied, and that there is an outstanding debt on my account.
110 PM: My financial advisor leaves the room to do some paperwork. I call my father's cell phone. No answer.
112 PM: I call my father's office number. His secretary picks up. I think I can hear her acrylic fingernails tapping against the receiver. I ask where my father is. She says he is out and she doesn't know where.
113 PM: I call my father's cell phone again. His secretary picks up. I say, "Are you kidding, he left his cell phone there?" She says yes. I ask, "What about his blackberry?" She says that it is also there. I tell her to tell him to call me and that it is very urgent.
130 PM: My financial advisor returns and tells me that I can take out a student loan and have it pre-approved online and clear my block. I thank him and leave.
140 PM: I arrive at home. I go to the bathroom, but my roommate's friend who slept was staying over the weekend has used all the toilet paper. I grab the last of a box of a tissues.
145 PM: I start filling out my loan application.
155 PM: My father calls me while I'm filling out my loan application. He is surprisingly repentant for someone who promised to pay 14,000 dollars and didn't. He blames me for not being aware that his check was returned.
200 PM: I finish my loan application, and am pre-approved instantly. As my father continues to talk about his deplorable, divorceé finances, I reflect on how easy it is to put myself in more debt.
202 PM: I say goodbye to my father and leave my apartment.
215 PM: I make it back to the financial office.
235 PM: All taken care of! Now I have to pay rent. Unfortunately, I ran out of checks a while ago, so I've been going to the bank for cashier's checks and running them in for. ... months.
245 PM: On my way to the bank, I run into an old gay friend. I idly wonder if he is attracted to me.
250 PM: I make it to the bank. Two old semi-senile ladies are having a fight. Fortunately, unlike last time, no black dudes are being enslaved. My banker, an eastern european woman named "Mimosa", refuses to believe that I mean "Tenants" and not "Tenets"
315 PM: I finally finish getting my cashier's check. On my way back from the bank I see a guy who I'm convinced is an animated mannequin, a dude who looks like George Lucas (I wanted to shout "Hey, George Lucas!" but only to offend him) and a host from a gay bar I go to. It's a lot like seeing a teacher; I didn't know he existed outside of the classroom or bar.
330 PM: I make a pit-stop to buy toilet paper. It's expensive. Why is toilet paper expensive? What kind of toilet paper baron is setting that shit? I smell an anti trust suit coming.
332 PM: I pay my rent. A child refuses to move for me, and the receptionist never once gets off the phone.
340 PM: I make it back to my apartment, and decide to wipe EXTRA to celebrate the events of the day.

The depth of my psychological problems...

Like a roaring chasm

This thought dominates my mind a lot.

Conversations had at 7 AM

Me: I just watched ten episodes of 30 Rock!
Adam: (Roommate) Are you... okay?
Me: What? Yea. Look! I haven't even been drinking.
Adam: I know, that's WHY I'm worried.

Nevermind, they’re just fucking quietly out there. He thrusts like a whisper

As far as I know, my roommate is on the couch, with a dude lying on top of him, fully clothed. But I...