Burn Tumblr!

Time for some drunk blogging

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 01:09:38 -0500

Dear sextank.tumblr.com,

Hello. How are you? I hope you are well. I can’t help but notice you are now following me. I always enjoy any new followers, and I make a note to investigate any blog that clicks like on my posts, or follows me. However, you are of a particular breed. You post porn. Hardcore porn. This is fine, in and of itself. I have at least one follower (I’m lookin’ at you, mentaltransgressions.tumblr.com ), who posts porn. But you are unique, and special, like a snowflake. For one, you don’t appear to be a person who has a blog who happens to post porn. You appear to be a porn _repository_. You could be my one stop porn source. This is okay. There are a few blogs who follow me who are not personal blogs. One I can recall is “cute cupcakes”. There was another that was just three hundred dollar shoes, but I think they stopped blogging, because oh my god, those shoes were three hundred fucking dollars. Yours is a particularly curious case because you post STRAIGHT porn. This is, as I say, curious. I have never publicly expressed an interest in straight porn, because I am super gay. Like, Alex Trebek gay. The last time I expressed an interest in straight porn, I was in sixth grade, watching a CD-R of Debbie Does Dallas with male friends, and I was WAY more into the dick than into the awkward, bouncing breasts. Who needs breasts? That’s just like, five more inches of space between you and them. Gross. Anyway, sextank, I appreciate your patronage, but you must know I will not be folllowing you back, because I have no interests in A) Roast Beef Curtains, B) Axe Wounds, or C) Wizards’ Sleeves.

Yours in Tumbling,

Burn.

How I get gradually angrier and angrier as my morning progresses

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 09:28:58 -0500

I’m fuckin’ hungry, maybe I should go into finagle a bagel. I want a cream cheese and bacon on a toasted bagel. I wish there was an espresso royale around here, they made those pretty well. But they never toasted it enough, and then they compensated by overcream cheesing it. Good thing I overcreamed their moms.

What… What is this? What is all of this? Grilled chicken sandwich? Buffalo bagel? No, you fuckers, I want a god damn bagel I WANT A GOD DAMN PLAIN BAGEL WITH SOME CREAM CHEESE AND THEN SOME BACON jesus h christ I cannot make heads or tails of this shit do you at least have like a make your own bagel section NO THEN FUCK YOU TOO THEN

Fine, I’ll just get a scone, because they look fucking dry and flavorless, and that’s what I’m fucking in the mood for, isn’t it, Finagle a bagel EVEN YOUR NAME IS DUMB God this bitch in front of me could not take longer you do not need special bagel care your bagel is just as stupid and tasteless as all the other ones here. Why did the cashier just ask me how I’m doing today in the middle of ringing me up? Just because I was here yesterday does not mean we are friends. I have no desire to establish a relationship with you give me the scone and get the fuck out of my god damn face and WHY DO YOU GUYS SELL SMOKED SALMON IN BAGS BY THE DRINKS WHY WOULD I BUY SMOKED SALMON HERE URGH EVEN YOUR DOOR IS HEAVY AND STUPID

The kind of ads that come up when I am actually doing work,...

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 13:30:38 -0500

The kind of ads that come up when I am actually doing work, because I work at Manhunt now. I imagine this is their version of, “Hang in there, Kitty!”

This is where I work now. Not pictured: beer, pictures of naked...

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 13:28:37 -0500

This is where I work now. Not pictured: beer, pictures of naked men .

Tender words on my last day of work

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 15:51:16 -0500

[15:50] Jimmy: before you go
[15:50] Jimmy: you should know
[15:50] Jimmy: my morning wood has been FURIOUS lately
[15:50] Me: ...
[15:50] Jimmy: i have to stand like, a meter away from the toilet in the morning

Do NOT use Lunarpages for web hosting.

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 11:30:00 -0500

Nerd moment: These fuckers are fuckers. A while ago, my site was hacked. They got my FTP password somehow, and basically messed with my site, rearranging the pages and folder hierarchies, and basically trashing the site. When I called Lunarpages and asked for a backup, they told me I probably had an unsafe script (their FACES are unsafe scripts!) and that a backup would cost $80 bucks, but I had better hurry, ‘cos they only have backups for so long! This was immediately after my friend, using asmallorange.com , had a backup of his site restored for free because he accidentally overwrote a file.

So, yesterday I was messing around with a php back end, and it called for running a program from the command line, which I tried with shell_exec, to no avail. I said, “eh, eff it.” and left it alone for a little. Today, someone messages me that my weather site is down. Apparently Lunarpages has suspended my site; not only my actual website, but FTP access AND ACCESS TO MY BILLING INFORMATION. They gave me no warning, email, or phone call. IF YOU DIDN’T WANT ME RUNNING SHELL COMMANDS YOU SHOULD BE RUNNING SAFE MODE OR SOME SHIT YOU FUCKS LET ME LOG IN AND DOWNLOAD MY VARIOUS WEB PROJECTS AND PICTURES FROM THE SITE SO I CAN LEAVE YOU MOTHERFUCKERS FOREVER

DON’T BE LIKE ME. BACKUP YOUR BITCHES, BITCHES.

Very cute, Tumblr. Now go to your room.

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 21:16:00 -0400

Very cute, Tumblr. Now go to your room.

If I ever have a Halloween party

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 14:28:09 -0400

I will not let anyone in whose costume name is preceded by “Sexy”.

The guy I’m dating just started a tumblr. Here we are...

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 21:41:24 -0400

The guy I’m dating just started a tumblr. Here we are being super romantic.

annie: The living room and kitchen! WHAT THE FUCK ANNIE, IS...

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 19:24:00 -0400

annie:

The living room and kitchen!

WHAT THE FUCK ANNIE, IS THAT A FIREPLACE? HARDWOOD AND BRICK? ON THE UPPER EAST SIDE? WHY DON’T I HAVE THAT? FUCK YOU, ANNIE

Photo

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 16:33:53 -0400

My dream last night

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 23:26:43 -0400

Last night I dreamt that I was a space explorer. I had my own ship, and I soared toward the outreaches of space. I was fairly successful. At this particular moment in my life as a space explorer, I stopped at a free floating hospital, a massive and sullen structure, drifting amidst the stars. I was there to see my mother. I spent a while looking for her, darting through substations and floors, talking to receptionists. Being lost in large buildings is a common theme in my dreams. Eventually, I found her. She was well, but still bed ridden, and I sat beside her. She was surprised that I had come to visit her, that I had gone through all the effort to find her in the labryinthian hospital. I asked her, how could I not? In the dream, I began to cry, recounting to her how she had cared for me through my many week long hospital trips as an asthmatic youth, my delicate early years. I told her that I would explore the farthest stars to pay for her stay at the hospital, and that I would always come back.

When I woke up, I remembered how long it had been since I spoke to my mother. I wondered what the most unrealistic part of the dream was.

My new employers (As of Nov. 6th).

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 00:40:59 -0400

My new employers (As of Nov. 6th).

LOOK, GAY STUFF!

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 12:27:00 -0400

LOOK, GAY STUFF!

Alright, douchebags, listen up.

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 22:01:33 -0400

I am tired of you fuckers at the gym not using the smaller water fountain. At my gym, there are two water fountains. One is normal height. The other one is cripple height. As a man who is 5’11”, I have no problem bending down to use cripple-height fountain, especially if someone is using the big boy fountain.

HOWEVER FOR SOME FUCKING REASON I AM THE ONLY PERSON WHO WILL DO THIS

Lines fucking form around the big boy fountain when the reebo-height fountain is perfectly free. I cut said line, because I am a thirsty motherfucker after blasting my pecs, but then I feel like a wompwomp because I am drinking from the stunted-growth fountain that no one else will drink from. Then the fucking frat boys look at me, all like, “Hey, look at that fucking trainable drinking from the fetal-alcohol-syndrome-height fountain” and I’m like “LOOK DOUCHEBAG GO LISTEN TO NICKELBACK” but I don’t really say that, because the real revenge is success.

What the fuck, 7-11?

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 18:05:14 -0400

What the fuck, 7-11?

Tonight. You.

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 01:55:54 -0400

Tonight I went to a bar that played CSS [Beautiful Song], Tiga [Shoes], Peaches [Talk To Me], AND Flight of the Concords [Inner City Pressure]. And then they gave me several St. Germain cocktails. I may have to return.

Here is a picture of me looking uncomfortable in a tie because...

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 11:24:00 -0400

Here is a picture of me looking uncomfortable in a tie because it is GPOYW

annie: ( via clairenatividad ) (via hypnotica) Annie, this is...

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 14:58:08 -0400

annie: ( via clairenatividad ) (via hypnotica)

Annie, this is dumb. Do you know how totally ready I am to win the lottery? Both Sallie Mae and I are ready for me to win the lottery.

What an awkward topic to broach

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 00:40:13 -0400

Me: Uhh.
Me: Did you throw up in the shower?
Drunk Roomie: DID IIIIII?